There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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