why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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