I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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