im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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