Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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