Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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