Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
That reminds me...we need to get swords
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
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