I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Bring me that man meat
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
