An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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