How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
