Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
