our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
