So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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