It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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