I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
