I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
