I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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