that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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