Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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