so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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