It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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