Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
