mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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