I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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