When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I intend to get homeless drunk
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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