Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
