Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
