Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
