I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
don't judge my taste in strippers
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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