I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
