I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
smell my finger.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
