Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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