Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
