When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
