I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
