when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
