Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think a kid would responsible me up
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
