Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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