You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
