In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
