i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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