I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
