I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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