The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
