remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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