I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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