OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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