He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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