I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
