I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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