I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
